


I’m here now

by Theinsanelycoolmichaelmell



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Both are insecure af, Boyfriends, Cutting, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kleinsen, M/M, Self Harm, flagnst, self deprication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 08:56:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15288045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theinsanelycoolmichaelmell/pseuds/Theinsanelycoolmichaelmell
Summary: Evans spiraling out of control and he needs something to take the edge off. Jared finds out and decided it’s finally time to stop hiding his feelings.





	I’m here now

Evan tapped his fingers anxiously against the back of his phone case. He debated calling someone but he quickly discarded the idea for two reasons. One, the only person he would maybe trust was Jared. Two, he was almost one hundred percent sure he wouldn’t care any way. With that last thought Evan got up from his bed and walked to his closet. He pulled out the pack of sharpeners his mom had gotten him which was now almost empty. The reason made Evans stomach twist with guilt.

He chose one and made his way to the bathroom quickly locking the door behind him. He knew his mother wouldn’t be home late into the night but he wanted to be careful. He pulled out the nail clipper that sat in one of the cabinets and used it to break the razor from the sharpener. Evan took one last look at the discarded sharpener before he pressed the blade into his skin.

He never meant for this to happen, really he didn’t. Sometimes his medication just wasn’t enough, sometimes he needed to punish himself for the things he did. By the time he was done, his left arm sported several cuts. The first two were hestitant and thin. The rest got worse as he counted. Evan couldn’t even bring himself to feel the shame, not yet. He instantly felt his mind cloud with relief as he cleaned the sink. When he made sure the bathroom held no evidence he walked back to his room and turned off the lights. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept so peacefully.

Evan groaned as he awoke to a loud knock on his door.

“Good morning sweetie! Ready to take on the world?” His mom called through the door.

“Yeah totally” He said. He couldn’t even convince himself of those words. He heard a soft sigh from his mom and instantly felt guilty. All she ever did was put up with his pathetic self and he couldn’t even fake it for her.

With his mood already ruined he got up and moved to his closet. He got dressed and made sure to slip on the grey sweater that was quickly becoming one of his favorites. He made his way to the bathroom and soon after he was out the house before his mother could protest.

Evan tried to clear his thoughts as he walked to school. He put his music as loud as his phone would allow but it still was not enough. He rubbed the bridge of his nose as he neared the front entrance. 

“Hey, Tree nerd” Jared greeted not so warmly. Usually Evan would have scoffed at the less than impressive remark but he couldn’t find it in himself to try. It was times like these where he would even find himself agreeeing with Jared. He laughed at the comment which granted him a confused look from the shorter boy.

“Hi Jared” he mumbled out. He subconsciously moved his sweater sleeves down before Jared could notice. Unbeknownst to Evan, it was already to late. Jared took the gesture as a little odd but decided to brush it off. It was just weird Evan being Evan right?

“So what brings you here so early?” He asked warmly trying to be subtle in his glances at Evans eyes. It was a long time ago when he pushed his feelings for him away and in turn, him as well. Evan didn’t seem to notice or if he did he really didn’t care so Jared felt himself relax a bit.

“Just didn’t want to be home I guess” Evan stated to nervous to come up with a better excuse. He shifted on his feet awkwardly and bit his lip. Why did he have to be so awkward? Why was he such an idiot? Why couldn’t he control himself for one goddamn second? Why-

“Okay.. why not?” Jared asked. Evan had really done it now. What the hell was he even supposed to tell him?

“I just didn’t want to” he mumbled. 

“What was that?”

“I said I didn’t want to!” Evan snapped. He immediately cursed himself and went to apologize. 

“m’sorry I just haven’t had a good morning.” He said trying to amend. Jared just looked at him with his brow furrowed but decided to drop it.

“I’ll forgive you if” Jared said, intentionally not finishing the sentence.

“If?” Evan responded hoping this whole interaction would be over soon.

“You hug me” Jared said and then instantly regretted it. That was gay. Like really gay. According to bro code anyway. He was ready to just play it off but was shocked when he felt Evans arms around his waist. Jared couldn’t help but smile as his heart fluttered. He had to reach up but he got his arms around Evans neck, wondering how the tall boy knew he preferred hugs with way. It was over too soon in Jared’s opinion. 

“So we’re good?” Evan asked. He couldn’t handle Jared being mad at him. He was one of the only reasons he was still here. Holding onto hope that maybe just maybe he actually did care about him. That maybe he even liked him back. Evan quickly shook his head trying to get the idea out of his mind. He was hoping for the impossible.

“Of course, Ev” Jared stated simply. He knew how bad Evans anxiety could get so he wanted to make it clear he had only been joking. Evan let go of a breath he hasn’t even realized he was holding in. 

“Do you wanna skip or something? you seem kinda off” Jared said, taking note of the way Evan seemed so detached from the situation.

“When aren’t I off?” Evan said as bitterly as his soft voice could muster. He wouldn’t allow himself to blow up at Jared again. Even if he did deserve it that just wasn’t who Evan was.

“Good point. Still though?” Jared insisted. Had it been any other day Evan would have politely declined and said he had an important class. Evan was exhausted and drained and he doubted senior year even mattered at this point.

“Sure.” He said simply. Jared looked shocked but smiled as he realized Evans response.

“Parents should be at work by now” Jared stated as they started walking in the opposite direction of the school.

“Sounds good to me” Evan said simply.

Soon enough the two found themselves in front of Jareds house. The shorter boy opened the door and held it for Evan. He was hesitant at first but walked in, bracing himself for a possible slam in his face that never came.

“You hungry?” Jared asked as he looking around making sure his parents had actually left. 

“Yeah actually” Evan said. He even shocked himself with that one. He was never one to admit or ask for something but right now he couldn’t care less. Jared just nodded and walked to the kitchen with Evan following close behind.

As Jared looked through the fridge boredly Evan caught sight of the muffins and immediately asked for one.

“Can I have one of these?” He asked simply. Jared couldn’t remember the last time Evan was so forward.

“Of course, Ev” Jared stated. Evan felt his face flush slightly at the nickname but decided to just let it go. 

“You have any coffee?” Came Evan from the living room.

“Depends.”

“Oh?”

“If you count double shot espressos then yeah I do” Jared was sure Evan hated those. He always used to complain about the bitter taste they left in his mouth and how they were never sweet enough. Jared was about to offer to go pick up some but Evan stopped him.

“Sounds good.” Evan said. Who was this dude and what did he do to Evan? Jared couldn’t remember the last time Evan was speaking his mind or drinking coffee or even coming over. Had it really been that long? Did Jared not even know him at all? 

Jared snapped himself out of his thoughts and brought the coffees and extra muffins to the table. Evan just hummed as he took a sip. The taste was still terrible as ever but at least it would wake him up right? Jared snorted when he saw Evans face contort after the sip. He allowed himself to relax a little bit.

“What do you wanna watch?” Evan asked already reaching for the remote. 

“The flash?” Jared asked more than told Evan. 

Evan scoffed but put the show on anyway.

After about 3 episodes later Jared took notice of Evan quietly dozing off onto his shoulder. Didn’t he just drink that energy drink? Jared cautiously moved his other arm and grabbed the can shaking it slightly. He rolled his eyes as he realized it was still full. Jared wasn’t sure why Evan was clinging to him like this but he knew damn well he wasn’t gonna ruin it. He relished in the way Evan looked so peaceful for once. He felt his heart swell as he realized that Evan subconsciously hugged himself closer into him. Jared focused himself on the next episode before he found himself struggling to stay awake.

Evan was the first one to open his eyes. He yawned tiredly but was soon shocked awake when he realized that he had been using Jared as a pillow for god knows how long. That was gay and Evan knew Jared didn’t like him that way. Why would he? Evan felt his heart beat begin to quicken as he moved away from the shorter boy. This caused Jared to stir lightly but he found himself awake when he glanced at Evan bordering on a panic attack.

“Ev? Are you okay?” He asked as he straightened himself up. Evan nodded weakly but Jared knew that he wasn’t. 

“what’s wrong? Jared said moving a little closer. Evan didn’t seem to flinch away so he counted that as a win.

“M’sorry for l-laying on you” Evan stammered out. Jared couldn’t help but feel awful that Evan was so worked up over that. 

“Dude it’s fine okay? I didn’t mind it” Jared tried to assure. Evan was too far gone though, he was nervously fidgeting in his seat and tapping his fingers on his lap. Jared really couldn’t stand when Evan did that. It wrecked him to see that he made Evan feel so terrible. He reached out and grabbed hold of Evans wrists to get him to stop.

“S-shit!” Evan grimaced as he pulled his hands away. Jared was confused at first but then his expression changed to one of accusation.

“What happened to your arms?” He asked.

“N-nothing you j-just gripped me too hard” Evan tried but Jared wasn’t buying it. He moved closer before Evan could protest.

“What really happened Ev?” Jared said, voice laced with what seemed like concern. Evan contemplated telling him but he knew he wouldn’t care.

“I said it was n-nothing!” Evan defended feeling himself become more rigid. Jared looked unimpressed. 

“P-please..” Jared said unsure of what he was really asking for. He didn’t want to believe that Evan was hurting himself. Evan just curled in on himself even more.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” he said, voice small. Jared hated the way Evan would still feel the need to apologize. He was crying now and Jared didn’t know what to do. Jared scooted closer to the trembling boy and wrapped his arms around him. He was terrified of what Evan would do in response but he got over himself and just did what felt right. Evan felt himself relax into the hug slightly.

“You’re gonna be okay.” Jared said softly. He moved a hand to run it through Evans hair.

“I’m s-sorry” Evan stated again.

“Shh you have nothing to be sorry for okay? I’m not mad at you” Jared cooed. 

After a while Evan had finally calmed down enough. And pulled back slightly to look into Jared’s eyes.

“Can I see?” Jared asked rather bluntly. He instantly wanted to kick himself for being so straightforward.

“Jare..” Evan started.

“Please” Jared practically begged. Evan just sigh softly as he rolled up his sleeve and shut his eyes, bracing himself for Jared’s reaction. 

Jared’s eyes followed the movement of the rolled up sleeve and then looked down to see the extent of Evans injuries. He choked back a sob when he saw cuts from his wrist to his forearm, each one larger than the previous one. Jared subconsciously moved a hand out to trace them but pulled away when he saw Evan wince. He couldn’t seem to wrap his head around the whole situation.

In seconds Jared was full on crying with tears streaming down his face. He didn’t want to believe what he just saw, he didn’t want to even think about if any of them were his fault. Jared couldn’t really handle any part of the situation right now.

Evan took note of Jared’s reaction which offset his own tears. He hated the fact that he caused Jared to feel that way. The sooner Jared realized how terrible he was, the better. Despite everything the two had been through Evan found himself slowly extending his arms in an invitation. Jared immediately flung himself into Evans embrace as they both continued to cry.

“Why Ev? What happened? Was it me? Did I-“ Jared’s thought was left unfinished as he felt himself begin to cry harder. He felt the lump in his throat begin to grow even bigger.

“What no! Jared this isn’t your fault okay? I did it to myself so that’s my fault.” Evan stated simply. Jared didn’t press the blade to his skin, in the end Evan was the only one to blame.

“Why?” Jared asked again.

“I guess I just haven’t been feeling okay lately? I’ve been way more anxious and all the Connor Project stuff has gotten way too demanding and..” Evan couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. He didn’t even know why he was telling Jared all of this. Why would he care?

“You could have called me Ev.” For some reason this had made Evans mood turn from sad to angry.

“You wouldn’t have cared! You made it clear a long time ago that we were never real friends anyway so why would I call you?” Evan said as his fists clenched. Maybe this was all some big joke to Jared.

“I do care Evan! Why do you think I’m here right now balling my eyes out over this?” Jared snapped back.

“I honestly don’t know Jared” Evan said simply. Jared hadn’t been this nice to him in years so why would he start now?

Jared wiped the tears from his eyes as he tried to steady his breathing. He deserved that, he really did. How many times did he berate Evan over the stupidest things? How many times did he make it a point to say they weren’t actual friends? How many times did he push him away instead of own up to his feelings?

“P-please Evan.. please don’t do this” Jared said helplessly. 

“Jared it really doesn’t matter so can we just forget about this?”

“Doesn’t matter? Of course it fucking matters!” Evan wasn’t sure why Jared was getting so worked up over this.

“It really doesn’t” Evan stated simply. He didn’t care what happened to him anymore so there was no point in arguing over it.

“Uh yeah it does when you see the boy of your goddamn dreams with a death wish!” Jared immediately clamped a hand over his mouth. It was too late to take back the words now.

“What?” Evan said dumbly. There was no way he couldn’t heard that right.

“Evan I.. I’m in love with you okay? There I said it!” Jared immediately curled in on himself. All the work to escape his feelings was now down the drain.

“That’s a really shitty joke, Jared.” Evan scoffed. This had to be one of Jared’s fucked up pranks, it just had to be.

“Do I look like I’m joking? It’s fine if you don’t feel the same way but you don’t have to be a d-dick about it.” 

“How could anyone love me Jared? I can’t even  
f-function without some damn p-pills and, and-“ Evan was about to continue but Jared disrupted his train of thought when he moved to hold his hands.

“You are the most lovable person I know, Ev. You’re so nurturing and selfless, always trying to fix things that you shouldn’t have to. “ Jared said with a gentle squeeze to Evans hands.

“I can’t do anything right! Even when I try I always need someone to come and fix everything! I don’t want to burden anyone any more..” 

Jared tilted Evans chin so he was forced to look at him.

“You aren’t a burden Evan.. you’re the best thing in my life okay? I know I have a shitty way of showing it but I love you. If I ever lost you I don’t know what I would do..” Jared trailed off.

Evan didn’t really believe Jared fully but he knew there was only one way to find out. He braced himself for the rejection that was soon to come and crashed their lips together.

Jared let out a sound of surprise but after the initial shock pressed himself closer to Evan, moving one hand to thread his hand in his hair. The kiss wasn’t perfect, their teeth knocked together and the tears made it way too salty but neither of them really cared at that moment. When they finally pulled away they looked into each other’s eyes.

“Please tell me right now that this isn’t some joke” Evans voice cracked at the last syllable.

“Im not joking Evan, I love you”

“I-I love you too!” Evan said as he wrapped his arms around Jared, finally letting himself give in.

Jared was shocked to hear those words but he hugged Evan back anyway. He never thought that Evan would actually return his feelings.

“I’m so fucking sorry Ev.. I’ve been such a goddamn idiot always pushing you and my feelings away.” Jared apologized. 

“I want to forgive you Jared really I do but this is too much..” Evan said truthfully.

“I don’t expect you to right away but I’m willing to wait.. I wanna make things right between us.. I want there to be an ‘us’”

Evan took a moment to respond but after he finally let the words sink in he spoke softly.

“I want that too.. I want you, Jare” Evan said. Jared pressed a soft kiss to Evans forehead. 

“Evan you need to promise me you’ll come to me or anyone if you feel the need to do this again..” 

Jared couldn’t forget about the most important part of the conversation. Evans wellbeing came before everything else.

“I’ll try, Jare” Evan promised. He couldn’t bring himself to lie to Jared and say he could do it because he wasn’t sure if he actually could.

“That’s all I ask, Ev” Jared said as he kissed Evans cheek, relishing in the fact that he could. Evan smiled for what seemed to be the first time that day. 

“Evan?”

“Yeah Jared?”

“Do you wanna be my boyfriend?” He asked before he lost his courage.

“Yes, I do Jare” Evan said softly. Jared smiled as he leaned in for another kiss. This one was simple and sweet, not as desperate as the previous one. 

“We should skip more often huh?” Evan said with a small smile.

“Definitely.” Jared said happily. Evan moved so he could wrap an arm around Jared’s shoulder and pulled him closer. Jared rested his head on Evans chest and listened to his calming heartbeat . 

Maybe things would actually be okay after all.


End file.
